I was recently asked to take part in a radio series called ‘Just Once’. As part of the series, participants were asked to speak about a point in their life where just once they wish they could do/relive something again. When I was asked I immediately knew what topic I wanted to discuss, but was a little unsure on whether I wanted to open myself up that much. In another post, I’ll explain things regarding the situation a little clearer for readers who may be following me from my old blog, or people who just don’t know me in general. But for now, here is my Just Once piece…
Just once, I wish I could go back to February 24th, 2015. To see you one last time. To hear your voice and to hug you tighter, for longer. If I could go back to that day, I would tell you that things will get better. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and everyone is waiting for you, knowing you’ll get there. I would tell you how much I love you, a thousand times over. I would make you smile, make you feel worthwhile and never leave the house that day. If I could go back to that day, just once, I would change everything. Maybe I could’ve stopped you. But maybe this is what was supposed to happen. Maybe we do all have a path in life, and this was just part of your path. A long, bumpy road, filled with both happy and sad times, coming to a halt faster than we ever could have envisioned. Faster than the raindrops that fell that day, faster than my heart can beat and faster than we could come to terms with the tragedy that was unfolding before our eyes. Just once, I wish I could have changed the outcome of that day. Just once I wish that February 24th, 2015, was just another day. Another day where I woke up, went to college and returned home to see your face, or to hear your voice. Just once I wish that February 24th would no longer bring so much sadness, fear, and heartache. Just once, I wish that date could have been like any other.
If I could go back to that day just once, I never would have returned home. For when I returned, my life was changed forever. Life as I knew it would never be the same and I became part of another family. A large community of people, affected by the same thing. Suicide. Only those accepted into this large family could understand. They know how you felt, how you will feel and how different your life would be forevermore. They know the devastation left behind after a decision was made by a loved one. As a community of people, all connected by that one word. A word which could haunt each and every person for the rest of their lives. But a community that could provide sympathy, empathy, and support. A community bound together. Bound by sadness. But held together by the prospect of healing and positivity. Held together by the sheer devastation and shock, but more positively the support, camaraderie, and solidarity. With a vision for helping others, creating a legacy for their loved ones and standing together through the tough times ahead.
Just once, I wish I could go back to February 24th, 2015. And Just once, I wish I could say “Dad, don’t do it”.
If you’d like to listen to the radio version: